Public Shaming

That’s right! Except you forgot Delaware in between those two! Rhode Island, Delaware and Minnesota, ALL WITHIN ONE MONTH, have passed bills bringing marriage equality to their state. We’re up 12 states now. 12!

And homophobes, seeing that they are losing, are getting louder and louder…

#Nice #use #of #hashtags, #buddy.

I like how even amongst his own followers / friends the faves outnumber the retweets.

SWEET! Added bonus, Minnesota! You get a mass purging of assholes from your state AND marriage equality. SCORE! 

lmao. Yes, this dude is totally comfortable with his own sexuality. He also believes gay males are lining up around the block to touch his completely 100% straight, totally not gay body. #2Cool2BeGay.

Where are the completely original, well thought out “it’s Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve” tweets, you ask? Right here, of course!

Nice profile pic, Carson.

lmao. Yes, gay people are God’s arch-nemesis and they hijacked the rainbow for their own dastardly deeds.

Good on you for believing in the bible, Sarah! So, shut your mouth, cover your hair, submit to your husband and stop wearing pants amongst many other things.

OK there, Buzz Lightyear.

How much “farther”? Hmm…

That’s right. Still a bit further to go. 38 states left with “normal marriage.” Old, boring, 50% end in totally-preserving-the-sanctity-of-marriage divorce, “normal marriage.”

In a piece for the New York Times, Angelina Jolie revealed she underwent a preventative double mastectomy. I’m not going to summarize it here because you should hear it coming from her. If you haven’t yet read it, you really should read it right now here.

Angelina Jolie shared a personal story in hopes of raising awareness on a number of issues, from the surgery itself to the affordability of the gene test…

…wait. what’s that coming just over those hills? Why, it’s the sexists and misogynists! Because you see WOMEN’S HEALTH is not about the WOMAN, people! It’s about the poor menz who are now ‘stuck’ with their (as in ownership of, don’t your forget it!) woman!

(Throw in a dash of racism with your misogyny? Hell, why not!)

Everyone couldn’t be the first to think of “poor Brad Pitt” like Josh above, but man did the tweets thinking of “poor Brad Pitt” keep coming… 

…and coming…

…and coming.

“He lost *his* ‘tittays’.” Poor Brad Pitt lost something he apparently owned, Angelina Jolie’s breasts themselves! And, yes, people (i.e. virgins) mourned her boobs themselves as if Angelina Jolie was some sort of villain who had some diabolical reason behind doing this.

“I bet he wished he stayed with Jen now.” Oh, boy. You mean to tell me some losers used lower her risk for breast cancer as a way to attack Angelina Jolie over Jennifer Aniston?, you ask. No, I mean to tell you that MANY losers used lowering her risk for breast cancer as a way to attack Angelina Jolie over Jennifer Aniston. (And if you assumed there would be “karma” tweets, you assumed correctly!)

Here’s a slew of folks who think Angelina Jolie removed her breasts because she’s an “attention whore”! Because nothing says good publicity in Hollywood like already being a sex icon and then going ahead and having your breasts removed…

If none of the winners above quite did it for you, here’s a mish-mash of really smart people. Just replace “smart” with “dumb, thank you…

Yeah, Angelina. I can’t believe you didn’t even TAKE THE RISK OF CANCER just so Brad Pitt can enjoy your (which he owns, don’t forget) boobs while having sex. Because, don’t forget girls, you’re just sexual play toys for men and nothing more!

Too bad you got the story completely wrong. I call you a douchebag.

Yes, because without breasts, there are absolutely no good reasons whatsoever for a guy to stay with their significant other…

Yup. You hear that, ladies? Without your boobs / bewbz / tits / tittys / rack / fun bags / whatever other dumb terms these fine people use for a woman’s breasts…you are apparently pointless.

Except, you’re not. Screw these haters who’ve probably never seen a bare breast in their life. And good for you, Angelina. It’s your life and your body, no one else’s.

Today is Mother’s Day! What did you do today for your mother today? Surprise your mom with flowers? Take your mama out for brunch? Or perhaps you used the day to…spread a bunch of hate on the internet?

There was a whole lotta’ that going on today. And I can tell you, no, it is not an awkward day for children whose parents are of the same sex.

But, unlike most, this fella’ just went on and on and on and on. For example:

Poor schmuck doesn’t even realize his crazy ass rationalizing of things doesn’t even make the tiniest of sense. “Kids” is already a gender neutral word!

No, it won’t.

No, it doesn’t.

No, they do have mothers and they don’t need your bullshit “prayers.”

Anyway, homophobic gay marriage haters weren’t the only one’s polluting the internet on Mother’s Day.

Conservatives thought it was the perfect day to…

make fun of President Obama’s deceased mother.

As @quickliftzwick on Twitter points out: as you can see, all those other Presidents’ mothers were born old. They totally didn’t do anything back in their youth, only Obama’s mom!

Anyway, fuck these people.

Happy Mother’s Day!

So I recently came across this website, Elite Daily. It calls itself “The Voice of Generation-Y.”

The link I stumbled on was to an article titled “The 10 Things Women Need to Realize in 2013.” OK. Let’s check this out…

OH, BOY. What the fuck is this? The first photo attached to the article should have tipped me off, but I was too focused on the name of the author…

That’s right. EDDIE CUFFIN. A dude is about to lecture women on what they should “realize” in 2013. But, not just any dude. It’s says right there in his bio: “THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE OFFICE.”

Let’s take a look at a few of these “things”…

“Ladies, realize that in 2013, you are not cute.” 

“Back to to the kitchen women and make me a sandwich.”

Well, shit. Thank you GUY for explaining this stuff to women! I mean, one of the points in this article was about getting men to “eat out your ‘box.’”  And all that along with the objectifying pics? What would a girl living in the 1950s…err…2013 do without this article?!

But, don’t worry! Eddie Cuffin has got more for all of you seeking his advice. Gems such as…

“The 21 Signs She’s Expired.”

That’s right, girls. If you are over the age of 19 and 1/2, hang up the boots and please deposit yourself in the closest trash bin. 

Misogynistic, transphobic AND he hates Mila Kunis! Eddie Cuffin is a catch!

What a gentleman.

But, don’t worry! Eddie Cuffin won’t leave you hanging now that you know your girlfriend is “expired” like the cold cuts sitting in the back of your fridge…

Eddie Cuffin’s gonna let you know how to cheat on her with “15 Steps to Successfully Cheat on Your Girlfriend!” Eddie says women are like chicken (expired chicken?) and stale bread!  The man who wants to empower women in 2013 with cooking lessons and orgasms would also like them to know that their value depreciates over time (because women are nothing but a commodity, duh!). GIRLS, “you’re getting older and not getting any tighter” and by not stopping time you “compel” men to cheat! IT’S YOUR FAULT, LADIES…

“15 Easy Steps to Managing Your Mistress.” Fellas! Your pal Eddie’s got you covered here too! Because it’s 2013 (Eddie’s got a real infatuation for 2013) and as it says right there above…It’s that time in your life, and not just yours, everyman’s life where he ”GROW A SACK AND GET A MISTRESS.”

“Women lie a lot.” You hear that men? Women are EVIL LIARS. Why can’t they just be truthful while you lie and cheat on them?! GIRLS ARE THE WORST.

But, what if  you fell for the evil voodoo women and she went ahead on her very own and decided to get pregnant (THE NERVE)? Don’t worry, Eddie Cuffin’s got you covered here too!

“Many poor men.” If only they had Eddie Cuffin’s brilliant mind and knew the “20 East Steps to Raising a Whore” so they could do the exact opposite!

Steps like…

Letting her get involved in fun activities like cheerleading and gymnastics! Only WHORES play sports!

Telling her she can’t date a black man! Because we all know women will go out and do the exact opposite! AND ONLY WHORES DATE BLACK MEN. (Eddie Cuffin: misogynistic, transphobic, and now racist too!)

Put her on birth control at 13! Because we all know girls don’t have sex UNLESS they are on birth control. No birth control, no sex, and there’s like no teen moms in 2013…the Voice of Generation-Y, people!

In case these listicles full of amazing advice weren’t enough for ya, Eddie’s got a Twitter account too! 140 characters of pure wisdom!

Eddie Cuffin of Elite Daily, folks! The Voice of Generation Y (Don’t Girls Like Me, I Am So Alone).

Tim Lambesis of Christian metal band As I Lay Dying was arrested Tuesday night in a murder-for-hire plot. Apparently, he did the nice Christian thing and tried to hire a hitman to MURDER his wife, who was filing for divorce. More like As I Lazily Lay on the Couch While Someone Else Does My Dirty Work, I guess?

Anyway, what do you do when you hear about the lead singer of this band you like attempted to KILL his ex? Well, YOU BLAME HER BECAUSE SHE’S MOST LIKELY A BITCH WHO PROBABLY DESERVED TO DIE, OF COURSE!

Lots of very opinionated people out there saying “WAIT ‘TIL WE HEAR MORE BEFORE WE BLAME POOR TIM” and then proceeding to jump straight to the conclusion that his wife was somehow a terrible person deserving of death!

“Props dude for having the balls to hire someone else to kill your wife!”

And as usual, when it comes to ANYTHING being discussed on the internet involving a woman…

BLAME THE FEMINISTS.

OH, NO. What horrible, tragic event happened in Delaware today?!

A school shooting?!
A bombing?!
…two consenting adults being able to fall in love and get married?

Judging by the haters, looks like Delaware has become the 11th state to approve same-sex marriage! WOOO!

YOU HEAR THAT? ELEVEN. 11 STATES NOW.

So, go home, sucka’. 11 STATES. You can’t put a damper on this party!

Hopefully the world is coming to a place where people know the difference between “allowed” and “aloud.”

Yeah, dude! A SICK, WICKED AWESOME, TOTALLY RAD world!

I just explained above dude! Let me repeat: the world is coming to be SICK, WICKED AWESOME, and TOTALLY RAD.

I FUCKING LOVE TOAST!

Oh yeah! Rhode Island just did too! Thanks for the reminder!

Yeah, all these people are big assholes. BUT, no one touches Ben…

Ben, you really are Dewhirst.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s the one day a year where most Americans, who usually complain about Mexicans and tell all the “illegals” to go home, pretend they are not racist! Why? So they could “celebrate” by getting drunk, of course!

However, here are a few party-poopers who can’t even NOT be racist for just this ONE DAY:

lmao. WHAT? Did you know today is NOT Mexican Independence day but a day which celebrates one battle where they defeated France? In fact, did you also know that today is actually a relatively minor holiday in Mexico? Cinco de Mayo is actually really just a day celebrated in the United States. So, quite literally, America is pretty much the ONLY damn place that cares about it.

I guess we should just bring up all the white people, who make up the majority of welfare recipients, on July 4th? USA! USA! USA!

Gather ‘round gang! Hop in the Mystery Machine! Don’t forget the Scooby snacks! Here’s the story of how Obama / the FBI / the Illuminati tried to frame poor innocent Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the Boston bombing suspect, for the crime of the century!

And they all would have gotten away with it too…if it wasn’t for you meddling #FreeJahar kids!

Look how proud they are! They solved the mystery with only a bunch of pictures released by the mainstream media! The same mainstream media that they accuse of helping frame Jahar!

Anyway, there it is! A backpack! On the floor of Jahar’s room…in plain sight! And we all know that since the “one backpack per person” law was enacted, it is IMPOSSIBLE for Jahar to have owned MORE THAN ONE BACKPACK!

Yes, the FBI was able to orchestrate this whole big thing…but forgot all about the ONE and ONLY backpack!

Yes! How can the sole backpack, which cannot be mass produced or replicated , be in both places?! I SMELL COVERUP…

“Where IS the logic? Right there is NONE.” There’s no pulling one over on the #FreeJahar mystery crew!

How could Jahar’s friends hide / destroy poor innocent Jahar’s only backpack?!

Nevermind why would you even need friends to get rid of any item if you’re completely uninvolved and innocent…THAT doesn’t matter. GOD, PAY ATTENTION HERE SHEEPLE.

You’re right, Twitter user “JaharsInnocence.” Having more than one backpack? Unheard of! It just doesn’t make any sense.

Interestingly tweets cracking the case started disappearing from Twitter. (The FBI is removing them, obviously. Definitely not tweets being deleted out of sheer embarrassment of people making fun of them for their stupidity…)

Is this starting to make sense to you?

No? You mean you think it IS possible Jahar had more than one backpack?

Well, no shit. But don’t try to tell the #FreeJahar crew that! These kids are extremely bright and have done plenty of research on the Boston marathon bombing. They have found the PROOF and there is no changing their minds…

Oh.

Props to the hilarious @boring_as_heck for bringing the great #freejahar backpack truther conspiracy to light.

We had some fun with hack “journalist” loser Ben Shapiro and expert on all things “hero,” Tim Brando yesterday. Basically, they were none too happy that Jason Collins came out and became the first openly gay man in not only the NBA, but in all of the major pro sports.

However, while Ben Shapiro and Tim Brando were cowardly hiding their homophobia behind the meaning of the word “hero,” many brave souls took to the internet to straight up call Jason Collins a “fag,” “faggot,” “cocksucker,” etcetera etcetera.

While there were hundreds and hundreds of tweets to sift through, here were the ones that stood out most. These tweets, to me, were louder then them all in proudly proclaiming “I AM A HOMOPHOBIC BIGOT AND AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY OWN SEXUALITY!”

The above two were the first to tweet “Jason Collins” and “faggot” in the same tweet! These guys were so quick to post, it’s almost like they were worried Jason Collins was about to come out for them too!

First thing mentioned in Matt Barber’s Twitter bio? “CHRIST FOLLOWER.”

lmao.  ”JASON COLLINS, NOT ONLY ARE YOU A GAY MAN, BUT YOU MAKE A LOT MORE MONEY THAN I WILL EVER SEE.” Sick burn, dude.

“THANKS, OBAMA.”

A dude who goes by “ChampagnePapi” is most definitely, totally 100% straight.

Ah, the AIDS / HIV tweets. I feel like these are in a category of their own.

And now…TEBOW TIME!

Poor, poor Tim Tebow. It’s clearly so much harder for a white Christian male who plays professional sports to openly pray in public in the United States of America than for a black Christian male who plays professional sports to just announce who he is as a person and not do anything any differently in public in the United States of American. CLEARLY. I mean, if anything, these tweets just show how easy it is for Jason Collins.

Yes, those are the first two replies to Jason Collins’ tweet yesterday and the first two tweets you see when looking at this specific tweet. But…

Oh, it’s definitely cool…

…and they definitely are…

..and Jason Collins most certainly has…

So be afraid, homophobes.

“HERO” is a very sacred word. Ben Shapiro, right wing “journalist” for Breitbart, has a VERY HIGH BAR for heroism, as we discussed in this post earlier.

Apparently, sports commentator Tim Brando shares those sentiments with Shapiro.

Tim Brando would like to make it very clear…Jason Collins, the NBA athlete who just came out as a gay man in the world of professional sports, IS NO HERO:

Um, ok. I don’t even understand what I’m supposed to get out of that, except for that fact that a Tim Brando is absolutely correct…a Tim Brando sex tape would absolutely not make history, because no one would give a shit.

He continues…

Tim Brando is very good at pointing out the fact that he is horrible at analogies.

But, let’s give him another chance…

Uh, “it’s a choice?” I’ve heard enough…

But, Tim Brando went on and on about the word “hero” blah blah blah blah…

OK! We get the point. Tim Brando DOES NOT use the word “HERO” LOOSELY. It is the most serious word in the dictionary and should not be taken lightly! Only firefighters, police officers, military, etc. are HEROES to Tim Brando. DEFINITELY NO ONE ELSE…

Except sportscaster Curt Gowdy:

…and sportscaster Frank Glieber…

…and when you score one-under-par in a game of golf…

I repeat, TIM BRANDO DOES NOT FUCK AROUND WITH THE TERM “HERO.”

It is reserved for only the most heroic of people…

Jason Collins, first major sports athlete to come out as a gay man? NOT A HERO.

Darius Rucker, lead singer of Hootie & the Blowfish? A MOTHERFUCKING HERO.